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Lawyer Jokes

Find Legal Humor @  If you know a good lawyer joke that would compliment this page please send it to Joe!!

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The Penguin Slap


"I was just minding my own business when" slap!


The problems with lawyer jokes is that
1. lawyers don't think they're funny and,
2. the rest of us don't think they're jokes!

If you know a good lawyer joke, send it to Joe!!

Warning Signs that you Might Need a Different Lawyer

He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.
When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
He tells you that he has never told a lie.
A prison guard is shaving your head.

Q: What do you call a million lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.

Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A: Take your foot off his head.

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q: How do you know if a lawyer is well-hung?
A: When you can't fit your fingers between the rope and his neck.

Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman Pinscher.

Q: What's the difference between God and a lawyer?
A: God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only three. The rest are true stories.

Voted Best 911 Audio by Listeners.

911 Police Audio Tape


Pair arrested for telling lawyer jokes while waiting in court line
Posted January 12 2005 Hemspstead, NY


By Some Miracle

  • By some miracle we still don't understand, a lawyer found himself in the very long serving line of a cafeteria in Heaven. As the newest arrival, he was at the end of the line.

    From out of nowhere, a man dressed in a very expensive suit and equally expensive shoes grabbed a tray and proceeded to barge into the head of the line.

    This naturally irritated the new arrival and, unable to let it go unnoticed, blurted out, "Where does that lawyer get off playing God?"

    "Hush," said the woman ahead of him, "that's God pretending to be a lawyer."


Q: What do you call an honest lawyer?
A: An impossibility.

Q: What do a good lawyer and a good mechanic have in common?
A: They don't exist !


"Would you like to dance" ?


The Fence

  • It seems that there's a fence between Heaven and Hell, which had fallen into disrepair. St. Peter sought out Satan.

    "Hey, Satan, it's your turn to fix the fence. The big guy says it looks awful. Get it done."

    "I like the way it looks," Satan answered. "I'm not doing anything."

    "You have to," said St. Peter. "It's your duty. You signed a contract when we built the fence, and you are obligated to repair it."

    "You think I care about that contract?" asked Satan. "You should know better than that. I said I am not doing anything, and if you don't leave me alone, I may just tell you what you can do with that contract."

    "If you don't make the repairs," St. Peter said angrily, "The law will make you. If you don't live up to your obligations under the contract, we'll sue you."

    "Sue me?" Satan couldn't help laughing. "Where are YOU gonna get a lawyer?"
  • Lawyers don't go to Heaven !


Q: Why didn't the circus clown feel so bad about his career?
A: At least he wasn't a lawyer.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

Q: What's the difference between lawyers and potholes?
A1: People try to avoid hitting potholes!
A2: People do not run over the same pothole more than once.


The Parachute

  • George W, The pope, a Lawyer and a boy scout are all riding in Air Force One when something goes terribly wrong. The crew comes back and says that there are parachutes but they are one short. So, George W grabs a chute and says I’m the President and I have to lead the free world and jumps out of the plane. The lawyer, without saying a word grabs a chute and also jumps. The Pope looks at the Boy Scout and says, son I’ve lived a long and meaningful life. I’m sure God will take care of me on the other side, you take the last chute. The Scout looks at the Pope and says
     “No problem padre, that lawyer just grabbed my knapsack.”

    Q: What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
    A: One is a disgusting, bottom feeding scavenger, and the other is just a fish.

Q: Why should dead lawyers be buried 16 feet deep?
A: Because deep down, they're real nice people.

More Legal Humor select below

Dumb Laws click here

Dumb law Questions click here

I Pledge Allegiance

If you know a good lawyer joke, send it to Joe!!


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